I'm so fucking centered right now
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
