Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
