He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
