It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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