Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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