and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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