I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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