just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
