my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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