Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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