I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
