remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Alive.
So much puke
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
