Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
