shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
