Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
