I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
