So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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