Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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