I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
