He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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