Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
