I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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