when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
