Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
