why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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