Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
