I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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