at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
