sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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