Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
