totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
