I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
