Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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