if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
