I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
