I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
