my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think i have herpe
just one?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
