I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
