I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
