You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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