Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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