She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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