i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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