Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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