well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
