i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
smell my finger.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
