She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
