a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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