She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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