I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
