So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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