Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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