Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
