soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
