I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
