This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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